a bag of chips

39. And holding.

Yes, today's my birthday. Woohoo.

Actually, it's okay. I've never been one to feel dread or regret or get depressed about upcoming birthdays. And, even as I've been inching my way closer to 40, I still feel totally fine about getting older. However, I do feel that it's time for a change. A good, healthy, change geared toward increasing my chances at living the longest possible life and toward decreasing my weight and cholesterol. So here's my goal:

40 by 40

I plan to lose 40 lbs and permanently change my eating and exercising habits by the time I'm 40. I recently came across this photo of myself from 9 years ago. I had just lost about 30 lbs in about 4 months by eliminating the bread, pasta, potatoes and rice from my diet, and exercising at least four days a week. I weighed about 155 in this photo which put me in a size 8 jeans and a medium shirt. I looked great and I felt great. (Of course, this was before marriage, infertility and the three kids whose metabolisms work off Oreos and pancakes much better than mine does.)

I'm currently 204 lbs (yes, she really did tell the entire internet how much she weighs) and I don't look great or feel great. So my goal is to be 164 lbs or lower by this time next year. With the help of my YMCA membership and a good diet program to jump-start my journey, I can do this. For myself, my kids, my man.

And for my birthday I also did a little scrapping:

So tonight my folks are coming down to watch the kids while my hubby takes me out for a nice, relaxed evening out, and then tomorrow it's friends and festivities in our backyard for mojitos and my hubby's amazing pork back ribs. I'll be strapping on the feedbag one last time before my program starts on Monday.

And a huge thanks to all who commented on my previous post about Aidan. You all are awesome and I can't tell you how much your support and encouragement has meant to us. You ROCK!

Have a great weekend, everyone!

Aidan Aidan Bo Baidan.

Aidan will be 5.5 years old the end of this month. At home he is sweet to his sisters, affectionate with us, playful and curious, helpful and sweet. He has his moments of impulsiveness and inattention at home, but he can play on the computer, watch a movie or build stuff with rapt attention for hours.

At school, however, his behavior is quite different. And we're all struggling to address his issues with the awesome help of his two teachers. We're desperately seeking a non-drug way of modifying his behavior and have explored many options. We're having his vision checked and we're also exploring an allergy treatment program in the event Aidan has hidden allergies which affect the way his brain functions. Anna Aspnes and her family have been going through the rigors of an NAET program and it's her story that inspired my to give NAET a try. And who knows? Maybe we'll all do it together, especially Miss Makena with her egg/nut/soy allergies, asthma and frequent coughs/colds.

He's been diagnosed as ADHD by our HMO (ahemKaiserahem), but I really wonder if that's what he has. When Aidan wants to have a good day at school, he does, and he can correct some behaviors with the help of his teacher when he wants to. Rarely does he truly seem unable to control himself. It seems more like he acts out as a result of anger or frustration (and perhaps an inability to appropriately  express his feelings) or in a bid for attention. One particular doctor, Dr. Lawrence Weathers, believes ADHD symptoms are a "refined adaptive skill" and not a defect or disorder, and that seems more in line with Aidan's behavior. And Aidan's worst behaviors are primarily only at school. At the park or in other group play settings, he makes friends easily and plays well with others, and, beyond typical sibling disagreements, he has never been aggressive with his sisters.

I'm writing about all of this because I'm sad and heartbroken, frustrated and totally insecure about the job I'm/we're doing of raising our man. I'm questioning everything we've ever done as parents, looking for triggers and patterns (both his and ours) that have lead us to where we are today. My sweet, loving boy becomes a terror at school. Once a week for the last few weeks he's been sent home for hurting a friend or a teacher. Today he bit someone.

Aidan says he prays a lot which is awesome, and he usually asks God to help him make good choices during bedtime prayers. On some level he is aware of his challenges and we are dilligent about make sure he knows that he's not a bad boy, he just sometimes makes bad choices.

I pray for our boy everday, and I pray hardest for patience and guidance as his parent. Patience is not one of my strongest attributes and guidance seems hard to come by. My sole desire is to just do the right thing for my son and for our family but I'm struggling with what the right thing really is.

So, if I may request prayers again, please pray for this amazing boy whose charm and curiosity warm my soul and kindled the fire of motherhood in my heart:

(Here he is at the mall the other day, admiring himself in the mirror.)