Aidan Aidan Bo Baidan.

Aidan will be 5.5 years old the end of this month. At home he is sweet to his sisters, affectionate with us, playful and curious, helpful and sweet. He has his moments of impulsiveness and inattention at home, but he can play on the computer, watch a movie or build stuff with rapt attention for hours.

At school, however, his behavior is quite different. And we're all struggling to address his issues with the awesome help of his two teachers. We're desperately seeking a non-drug way of modifying his behavior and have explored many options. We're having his vision checked and we're also exploring an allergy treatment program in the event Aidan has hidden allergies which affect the way his brain functions. Anna Aspnes and her family have been going through the rigors of an NAET program and it's her story that inspired my to give NAET a try. And who knows? Maybe we'll all do it together, especially Miss Makena with her egg/nut/soy allergies, asthma and frequent coughs/colds.

He's been diagnosed as ADHD by our HMO (ahemKaiserahem), but I really wonder if that's what he has. When Aidan wants to have a good day at school, he does, and he can correct some behaviors with the help of his teacher when he wants to. Rarely does he truly seem unable to control himself. It seems more like he acts out as a result of anger or frustration (and perhaps an inability to appropriately  express his feelings) or in a bid for attention. One particular doctor, Dr. Lawrence Weathers, believes ADHD symptoms are a "refined adaptive skill" and not a defect or disorder, and that seems more in line with Aidan's behavior. And Aidan's worst behaviors are primarily only at school. At the park or in other group play settings, he makes friends easily and plays well with others, and, beyond typical sibling disagreements, he has never been aggressive with his sisters.

I'm writing about all of this because I'm sad and heartbroken, frustrated and totally insecure about the job I'm/we're doing of raising our man. I'm questioning everything we've ever done as parents, looking for triggers and patterns (both his and ours) that have lead us to where we are today. My sweet, loving boy becomes a terror at school. Once a week for the last few weeks he's been sent home for hurting a friend or a teacher. Today he bit someone.

Aidan says he prays a lot which is awesome, and he usually asks God to help him make good choices during bedtime prayers. On some level he is aware of his challenges and we are dilligent about make sure he knows that he's not a bad boy, he just sometimes makes bad choices.

I pray for our boy everday, and I pray hardest for patience and guidance as his parent. Patience is not one of my strongest attributes and guidance seems hard to come by. My sole desire is to just do the right thing for my son and for our family but I'm struggling with what the right thing really is.

So, if I may request prayers again, please pray for this amazing boy whose charm and curiosity warm my soul and kindled the fire of motherhood in my heart:

(Here he is at the mall the other day, admiring himself in the mirror.)

Comments

[steph]

Delurking just to say that you clearly are a loving and attentive mother. It is difficult to know what the right thing is sometimes--we tell each other to follow our gut or listen to our intuition--but I know all too well, sometimes I can't bloody hear my intuition!

Aidan is lucky to have such a wonderful mom. I wish you peace in whatever path you choose.

[bcre8uv]

Have you checked out the A.D.D. Book by Dr. William Sears? I've heard it is good at addressing diagnosis and alternative treatments, and I can say from personal experience that Dr. Bill is awesome - he is our pediatrician. Actually, he's in San Clemente...if you're looking for a second opinion.

~T.

[bcre8uv]

Have you checked out the A.D.D. Book by Dr. William Sears? I've heard it is good at addressing diagnosis and alternative treatments, and I can say from personal experience that Dr. Bill is awesome - he is our pediatrician. Actually, he's in San Clemente...if you're looking for a second opinion.

~T.

[Lisa Arnet]

Hi Tina, WOW my boy Jarred has just gone on 6. We have almost identical problems with our man at school. We have so far been doing elimination of causes. We are down to eye behaviour. Our jars gets VERY fustrated when it comes time to do actual work at school. He cannot see when he is going from teacher/blackboard to his book in front of him. We are taking him to an eye behavioural specilast not an optomisrist. One of his eyes has blurred vision and the op tells us he has perfect vision. Such a very confusing and frustrating time for us and i know what your going through. We have cut out all sugars and 'treats' and that also seems to have made a very small but remarkable difference. A 'treat' is given to him if he gets a smily stamp in his parent teacher communication book. that being cartoons, nintendo ds or a scoop of ice cream. sorry for the long comment but ideas and stories from other partents has given us plenty of ideas to help jars make 'good' choices with behaviour. Hope i have helped a little.
hope you have the most wonderful day!
Lisa (australia)

[Barb]

Aidan is lucky to have such caring parents as you both are. It is such a struggle isn't it, we all just want good things for our children. We went through a similar time with our son Chris aged 9, he was perfectly behaved at school but very aggressive and upsetting at home and sports and playing with other kids. Almost the opposite to Aidan really. He would pick fights over nothing, hated losing and just blew up all the time over trivial stuff. In the end we took him off food colouring last year. Not sure if it is true but I have heard that the foods we are allergic to are the foods that we crave. Well Chris always craves red and blue and yellow coloured lollies, chips and drinks. So it was hard to do it to him but we persevered. I just thought it is something fairly easy that you can try while you are waiting for other things to come through. The change in his behaviour was amazing. Within about 48 hours he was calm, placid, loving, and basically just nice to be around. He has stayed that way since. If you are interested and want to know more about food colourings and stuff just let me know. Good luck anyway!

[Cindy Drennan]

Tina -- Had dinner at your mom's on Monday night and she told me briefly of the phone conversation you two had after Aidan's initial diagnosis. My first words were, "Don't let the doctors give him drugs!". And then I remembered that I'm not a parent, I haven't the first clue about what to do. But I do know that I can pray for the entire Cockburn clan, all of whom I love dearly. Be certain of the truth here, Tina. God chose you and Chris to be Aidan's parents. He gave you unfathomable love for him. And every day, in every way, you show him that love. God bless the Cockburns!
Cindy

[Janice]

i feel for you as a mom...

[Teresa]

Good Luck. We were having kinds the same thing with our 5 year old son. But his behaviours were only at home. We have eliminated wheat adn lathough it took a few weeks we are seeing results. SLot of the beahaviour are less.

Hope you find something that works for you

[Kay D.]

Hi Tina!

I think this is the first time I am commenting on your blog but I often come see your amazing photography.

I just wanted to let you know I will be praying for your little man. It's not easy thing to raise a little boy to become a man without taking away their masculinity.

I applaud you for being proactive in this. You looking for ways to help him, instead of just covering the symptoms. So many parents just take the "diagnosis" at face value and drug their kids. They don't even try to find out if there is another way. Kudos to you!

Kay

[Fran]

Hey Tina,

You might consider reading the book "Attention Deficit Disorder: A Different Perspective" by Thom Hartmann. It is a more positive way of looking at a not uncommon characteristic of many individuals. Two of my seven children have been diagnosed ADHD. My 19 yr old daughter was diagnosed in 1st grade and started medication and continued on it until middle school. Shortly afterwards, she was also diagnosed with learning disabilities (they sometimes go hand in hand). We were so discouraged and sad for Michelle. However, I have to say now that she is a true success story. She was motivated & worked hard throughout her school career graduating 2nd in her class, giving the Salutatorian address at her graduation ceremony last June. We couldn't possibly have been more proud. All through school, she used her artistic talent as her strength and it helped her with her self-esteem. Today she is a freshman at the Corcoran College of Art & Design in Washington DC. She recently won an achievement award for her work there.
My son Ethan is 9 and was diagnosed last year. Although meds don't work for every child and it has to be an individual decision, we had had a positive experience with Michelle, so we started a short trial period with Ethan. Within one six week grading period, his reading level jumped 3 grade levels! He only takes the meds for school and it has helped this year as he is now in 3rd grade and they have long standards of learning tests to complete regularly. I'm not sure how long he will take the medication and we still struggle every night during homework, but for now it is helping when he needs it.
I guess what I am saying is that the book gives a great way of looking at these traits in a positive & natural way and though it is hard work for everyone, you can see incredible success down the road.
Take care, Fran

[jill]

Prayers coming your way. These pictures make me smile so much.

[Candice]

Good luck with everything. You're such an amazing mom, you'll find the right path. Hang in there.

[Candice]

p.s. Great photos :).

[Christy]

Oh Tina, I wish I could give you a big (non-sweaty/stinky, lol!) hug right now. We are currently going through something similar with Maddie. We think she may be ADD. She has a really difficult time focusing and it's affecting her school/activities. I think you are an AMAZING mama and Aidan is so blessed to have you. I really applaud you for being proactive with this and looking at other options rather than medication (something that I have always been against). Hang in there sweetie. I'm praying for you.
xoxo, Christy

[maple jenny]

First, thank you for the lovely SS products--I won a blog challenge last month.

Second, as a teacher I have to say that it is unusual for students with ADHD to act out only in one situation--school. They usually are twitchy all the time.

I think school is hard for young boys in particular--all the still time--so discussing ways with his teacher for him to self regulate and get up and move around, especially if there's a room for that at your school, is good.

Boys go through rough times--just remember that at your son's age, people thought Albert Einstein was mentally retarded, and look where he ended up.

Jennifer L

[margaret]

Will be thinking of you and your family Tina. Matthew went through a rough time at school (also about 5 years of age) where he was acting out/aggressive at school. Somehow we worked through it and he's doing fine now. I hope it's just a stage with Aidan too. Whatever it is, I know it's not anything having to do with you...so please stay strong while everything works itself out!

Hugs!

[Allison K]

Thinking of you. We have been worried about our little men as well. We have just started reading an interesting book called "Boys adrift". It's fascinating and giving us a different perspective of boys in general.

Sending our your thoughts.

[joy madison]

tina, this post brought tears to my eyes. I think all of us question our good parenting skills at one time or another. One thing that I didn't see mentioned that might be an option. Maybe not an easy option, but an option, is homeschooling. 3 years ago I felt like God was asking me to start homeschooling my oldest daughter. I am realizing now, that my decision was as much or more for my son then it ever was for my daughter. He has different problems than you have mentioned, but similar in that he has issues in some social settings. I believe this is something that he will grow out of eventually, but for now I am protecting him from the conflict of dealing with the school system.

We use the k12 virtual academy that is run in conjunction with a local public school. They provide all the material and instruction to you at no cost, b/c it is part of the public school system.

They do have a California branch:D
http://www.k12.com/getk12/

If you are interested in my experience, or want any more information, just email me. I believe that how we decide to educate our children is each families decision, this is just what is best for us now.

[Lisa]

Great pictures of a handsome boy. Aiden is definitely a cutie and one day your biggest worry will be all the girls that ring your doorbell-lol.

I wish I could share some wonderful book with possible answers or reference a useful article I've read in regards to your post.

I can only wish you, Aiden and your family the best as you search for answers that everyone can be happy and comfortable with.

It seems from reading your previous comments that are filled with reference material, that reaching out through friends on the internet is a wonderful way for potential answers to find you.

All the best.

Lisa

[emily pitts]

what you are doing is the best thing you can do, educating yourself and looking for tools to help both aiden and yourself cope. knowing all the options is how you'll overcome this heartbreaking time. he's lucky to have you.

[Linda Barber]

A big hug to you and your family! You are such a great mom! I'm keeping you guys in my thoughts.

[tiffany]

Good for you , trying to do the best you can for your son, with out all the drugs! You are a super mom. Also, Great pics!

[Joy]

Could he be bored? My son definitely sets the tone of his day depending on what he perceives as a challenge or what he perceives as boring. He does very well at school and it can be frustrating because sometimes he wants perfection and it causes him to either shut down or act out. We have seen alot of improvement with him this year in first grade. He has matured and has had a great teacher who has given him alot of fun challenges. I too thought ADHD had to be across the board-at home and at school. I don't see alot of the same issues at home because he has a few more choices. He is very compassionate and I've learned that most important to me is that he respects others and loves his family and friends. My older two boys set good examples and as his teacher says boys have a difficult time developing some of the required skills so early on. They want to play and be social. Good Luck! I believe--I guess I have to--that in the end good parenting and patience will be their core for success!

[Kelly Noel]

giant hugs! thinking of you guys!

[Di]

Here is a great Australian based website that has great information on food intolerance and its affect on behaviour ... www.fedupwithfoodadditives.info

Hope this helps.
Diane